Thursday, November 8, 2007

Our Little Star

I haven’t really said anything on here about our baby’s condition and everything that we’re going through. As one can imagine, it was devastating news to us. Living everyday knowing that your unborn child is not going to live is a terrible state that nobody should ever experience. But thankfully, we have received a lot of love and support from our family and friends. The many thoughts and prayers go a long way to ease the weight that hangs on our hearts.

Amy is SO BRAVE.

I really don’t know how she does it. I could say: “I’m not saying she doesn’t have her bad days” but to say she has bad days would be a misnomer. Every day in an awful experience like this is a bad day. Yet, Amy has remained strong. The courage she has shown by living with such sad news and still being there for Alex and I, is amazing. Just keeping up with a whirlwind of a toddler is hard enough. Then pile on keeping a household together, arranging Alex’s birthday party, making play dates and researching organ donation and funeral homes. I really don’t think I could keep it together as well as she has. She’s truly a brave soul and I am so grateful. I love her so much.

Amy mentioned before that we went for an ultrasound in Indianapolis. It wasn’t for medical reasons. We wanted to find out the sex (a girl) and to get pictures that we could keep. Castleton Ultrasound specializes in 3D and 4D ultrasounds. They were very kind and understanding. They had a room that could easily accommodate family members with a large projection screen.

The pictures of the baby were great. We’ve named her Lydia Grace. Lydia was the name we always knew we’d give our next child if she was a girl. Grace, Amy decided upon recently. It’s a very beautiful name and she’s a very beautiful girl.  Here are a couple ofpictures of Lydia at 28 weeks (Amy is 31 weeks currently).

This morning, Amy and I decided we would tell Alex his little sister is sick and won’t live very long after she is born. Up until this week, we really weren’t sure if we should tell him before the baby is born. He just turned three so we tend to think he’s not going to understand all that is happening. As far as he knew, mommy has a baby girl in her belly and he’s going to be a big brother soon.

Amy can articulate our reasons for telling Alex better than I can, but I think at least to me, it’s better to prepare Alex for Lydia’s birth now as best we can. After all, Amy and I have been preparing ourselves (as best anybody could prepare) since we found out the news. I don’t expect Alex to totally understand everything that is going on with Lydia. We told him that Lydia is sick and that she won’t be with us for long after she is born. He immediately let out an empathetic ‘awwww.’

Then he said something I don’t think Amy and I expected or were even ready to comprehend:

“I won’t get to play with Lydia?”

Such a sad question you wish you’d never have to hear from a three year old. 

We told him that he won’t get to play with Lydia but he will get to meet her and hold her after she’s born. I know he understands a little bit about what that means. He’s already felt the loss of Jane. We told him that after Lydia is born, she’s going to go to heaven and be with Jane and God.

He started getting distracted while we were talking to him. I think Amy and I talked to him as best as we could. It’s definitely frustrating as an adult to try to relate such things to a toddler. I felt like I really wanted him to understand, but I can’t expect that from him. We were worried that if we told him he would somehow write Lydia off. But he was sweet after our talk. He wanted to lean in to give Lydia a hug but initially confused Amy’s breast with her belly. After we corrected him, he gave her a hug then a kiss and told Lydia he loved her. We asked him to sing a song for her. He sang Twinkle-Twinkle Little Star (“The Good Night Show” version from PBS Sprout) perfectly. 

I said Lydia is our little star. She is. She’s a beautiful star that will always shine bright in our hearts.