At my MOPS (Mothers of Preschoolers) group today, I was asked to share my testimony, or faith story, with my table of women.  I had never prepared anything like this before, so I really searched in my heart for what God wanted me to say, in 5 minutes or less.  So, here's my testimony...in a nutshell.

I’ve learned that God is a gentleman.  He gently reveals Himself to us throughout our lives and if we don’t see Him, it’s because we’re not paying attention.  He doesn’t force Himself on us. He gives us the freedom to choose Him and His ways.  When we’re ready, in our own time and His time, He is there.  He’s always been there and sometimes it takes a special something to realize we want to be right there with Him.

I grew up attending church most Sunday mornings, but that was our only commitment to God.  We didn’t pray regularly, never opened up a bible nor talked about Him much.  Although I believed in God, I simply had a “date” with the church building and the people in it some Sundays.  Once Mike and I married, I thought it was important that we go to church together.  So, we found one and, again, I was repeating the same cycle with my own family—the same level of commitment.  It was all I knew.  I had a close Christian friend who questioned how serious I was and asked, “Do you have a relationship with God?”  I really didn’t know what that meant.  I said, “Well, yeah, I go to church,” which I now realize means very little.

In the summer of 2006, we were in the process of selling our home and moving to another town.  To say I was stressed would be an understatement.  I had a major breakdown and cried for hours.  I realized in those moments that I was not crying about the move. I had this epiphany that something was missing from my life.  And I truly felt that “something” was God.  I didn’t know Him personally.  Who cares that I went to church?  I had no connection and I knew, right then, that I needed that.  I felt completely blindsided—where was this coming from?  But I realize now that God placed that friend in my life.  She planted a seed in me.  She got me thinking and questioning how there is so much more to being a Christian than simply going to church.  And I wanted that “something more” desperately.  However, I was at a loss as to how to achieve it.

Well, life got busy with the move and adjusting to our new town.  And although I hadn’t actively sought out ways to get closer to God, we, of course, started attending a church.  Then, a friend invited me to a Women’s Bible Study.  I had never participated in anything like it, but I stepped out of my comfort zone for once.  This group consisted of the most amazing and accepting women.  It was a safe place where I began to learn about God’s love.  I went to a Women’s Retreat in March 2007 and wept during worship.  I felt God stirring in me and urging me to go pray with some friends.  It was at that moment when I felt a shift.  I accepted Christ into my life and everything felt right.  I just knew I was on a spiritual journey and I couldn’t wait to grow closer to God, know Him in my daily life, and try to live and love more like Jesus.

In May, we were thrilled to find out I was pregnant with our second child.  When I was 20 weeks along, we were completely devastated when the ultrasound revealed our baby had a terminal condition called anencephaly.  The doctor said she would grow in the womb, but would die at birth.  After hearing the most awful news ever, I was asked if I wanted to continue or terminate the pregnancy.  In my state of shock, I said there was no way I could carry the baby only for her to die at birth.  It sounded like torture. I cried non-stop for two days straight while I made the plans to go out of state to abort.  I couldn’t sleep, think, eat, breathe.  I didn’t feel comfortable with the decision we made, yet the alternative scared me to death.  Then, I finally stopped and thought it through.  I asked God my burning question, “What should we do?”  And I randomly opened up my bible to the book of Joshua where I read a verse that I interpreted the way I think He needed me to.  I felt God was telling me that I wouldn’t want to go against His ways and that He will be there for me like He’s always been...and that everything will be okay.  Mike and I talked and realized there was actually no decision to make.  We loved our baby and we couldn’t imagine how we’d be affected if we didn’t hang on to her as long as possible and let her go and be with the Lord when it was truly her time.  We felt a sense of peace and comfort that I can’t explain.

I’m not going to lie—the next several months were hard, but I never doubted or regretted the path we (and He) had chosen for us.  Although I cherished each kick from our daughter, Lydia, I also grieved over her.  Even though I felt she was a blessing, it was painful knowing she would not be with us long.  I gave birth to Lydia Grace on December 3, 2007.  She lived for 28 minutes.  It was a bittersweet day, but one I will treasure forever because of the memories we’ll always have.

When I look back, I can see God’s work in my life in countless ways.  I feel God placed several people in my path who helped ignite a passion in me for Him.  He gently opened my eyes.  Sometimes I think about what life would have been like if I had not gotten serious about Him nor sought a relationship with Him. I would be blind and lost right now.  I know I would have aborted my baby.  I would not have experienced His most amazing love during that time and my unconditional love for my daughter.  I would be angry and bitter.  I would not have the knowlege that I would reunite with Lydia in Heaven one glorious day.  My marriage would have suffered.  I possibly would have never tried for another child because fear of loss would have consumed me.

But instead, through the most trying of times and because I clung to Him, I love the Lord more than ever.  He wrapped His arms around me and instead of resisting, or turning the other way, I hugged back.  I trust Him and His plans for me.  I can honestly say I am content.  I listened to the Voice of Truth, tried to get pregnant again and am now expecting our third child, thanks to Him.  Because of God’s presence in my life, I can find ways to praise Him through the good and the bad.  I know He’s there through it all.  He’ll never let me go.

My life verse is: Proverbs 3: 5-6

Trust in the Lord with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding.  In all your ways acknowlege Him, and He will make your paths straight.