Posted by Amy Mon December 15, 2008, 5:21 pm
I am realizing something about myself. Well, I've probably known this for a while, but I'm now making this known to all of you...how I can be. I'm telling you this because I want to be better.
In general, I'm definitely not the happiest person out there. "Chipper" would probably never be a word used to describe me. However, I think I can come across to others as fairly happy. I'm not saying I wear a mask, although let's face it, we all do at times. But, I do think I try to make an extra effort to be friendly to people...that I see on a regular basis or just meet...outside the home. In fact, I consider myself kind and polite, which is genuine (with some underlying sarcasm and humor...I can't deny myself totally!). I don't know, maybe this is a misperception on my part. Who knows how I really come across to acquaintances and casual friends? (Tell me, I guess, do I want to know?). My closest friends, and especially my family, know how I can really be. Particularly Mike and my mom (the ones I care about most, besides Alex).
I can be and am a nice person, but I am often not with those two people I love the most. Why is that??? Are others this way or is it just me? Those words and traits I mentioned above....kind, friendly, polite....I don't think they'd be used to describe me in my own home. I can, frankly, be mean with a sharp tongue, terribly impatient, easily frustrated, annoyed and not affectionate/loving. How is it that, quite honestly, I'm nicer to a stranger than the most special people in my life? It's wrong...so wrong. I have been feeling convicted of my attitude and behavior, within the comforts of my home, the past couple of days and it's why I'm sharing this with you.
My husband is so good to me. He does and would do anything for me. Sometimes I feel like he got the bad end of this deal (marriage!) that God orchestrated, but I'm not going to go there. Mike is definitely the nicer one in our relationship and I can't say enough what a good person he is. He is sweet and loving when I am not. (But he ain't no angel...no one is :-) He gives me grace countless times each day. I, on the other hand, do not shell out the grace as willingly (although, again, I probably would with a friend or stranger!). And the respect, well, I don't give him enough. But, I'm going to be better about this. I want to be the person and wife that God desires me to be.
My hungry husband, who is constantly hinting this time of year, "Hey, will I be getting any of the cookies you're making this Christmas?" Because I'm notorious for giving treats away to everyone else, while he gets the shaft. Not this year. I will be saving plenty of treats especially for you, honey. My caring husband, who wants to and makes it a point to give me a hug every evening when he gets home from work. He seeks me out whereas I just assume he'll come find me and give me a hug while I'm in the midst of doing whatever it is I'm doing. Not anymore. I will seek him out and savor that hug that I want to give to him. My careful husband, who is quite the cautious and safe driver (read: SLOW!), which at times can drive me insane. I will thank God that I have a husband who loves his family enough to do his part to take care of us on the road and is not reckless, by any means. My encouraging husband, who speaks positively and often sees the silver lining when I see a dark cloud. I will make a conscious effort to reduce the negativity that I have been known to spew...not only in my words, but in my tone and attitude.
And my mom...God gave me the best mom anyone could ever ask for. I tend to get short and exasperated with her, the one who physically brought me into this world. The one who has done so much more for me than just given me life. She is there for me in more ways than I can count. And continuously is there and does for me... time and time again, even though I'm the not-so-nice Amy to her.
I'm unbelievably blessed and I need and want to express my love to those that matter most to me. I can (and will) be better. I'm sure there is plenty of scripture that speaks of how God wants me to be, but I know the gist. I want my words and actions to be pleasing to the Lord and to my family.
Am I the only one who struggles with this? I'd appreciate any loving feedback you might have for me. Or if you want to share how you can be at times.
Thank you for reading...and loving me in spite of myself.
Comments
Kara - Mon December 29, 2008, 10:35 pm
Hey sweet friend! Oh baby, are you ever sooooooo right!!! I can be mad as a hornet at the kids (all 6 of them!) and the phone rings....I answer with a sweet, kind, gentle, caring "Hello???" My kids want to puke :) You've already conquered the biggest part of this battle which I believe is just admitting it and allowing God to work on you. We are a work in progress until the day we die.I love the fact that you gave your hubby those special treats. I have been guilty of doing the same...baking up a storm for everyone else and their mother...leaving John and the kids salivating for goodies. That is just rediculous..I know, I know!!! Thanks for your transparecy...I love you!
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Amy - Mon December 22, 2008, 9:30 am
You could have written this about me. I feel like that so often- I give to everyone else and I can be "real" to my family. I am going to be more conscious of this so thank you for sharing this and showing your real side to us.On a lighter note, happy holidays!
Nancy - Sat December 20, 2008, 10:37 pm
I also could have written this post. I think that when we truly have total acceptance from our closest loved ones, we feel comfortable enough to be ourselves - even the bad parts. And then we find ourselves slipping into the habit of giving our good to everyone outside of our immediate family, and once we get home we can vent or complain or nag or just be negative. Is it the right thing to do? No, obviously not. Of course we should strive to do better, to please the Lord and our husbands. It is something I am striving for as well (and fail at much of the time). My husband is way more thoughtful and gracious than I am. You are most certainly NOT alone. And I, for one, think you are a lovely person. :)Beth L. - Fri December 19, 2008, 10:13 pm
Obviously, you are not alone. Like everyone else who has commented here, I am exactly the same. In fact, it's something I've tried to work on just lately - appreciating Tony more, calming down and not being so short-tempered, etc. It's so easy to *not* be at your best, especially with the person who is with you the most - and especially if you're feeling negativity toward yourself in the first place. I struggle with this constantly. I always feel like I *should* be so much better or so much more than what I feel I am - to everyone around me, including Tony. (Thank God for patient husbands!)And for the record - I think your friends see you as a sweet, strong, and caring person. :) And I miss you!!
Amy - Wed December 17, 2008, 5:18 pm
Oh my gosh Amy! Talk about hitting close to home! I think I'm so tired of trying to "put my best foot forward" when I'm out that when I'm home I so wiped out I forget to treat my family the same way.Mom - Tue December 16, 2008, 7:01 pm
Oh, Amy, Amy, Amy....we know we all do it. Thanks for reminding us all to especially appreciate those closest to us. You know I love you no matter what and I know you feel the same!!Charlene - Tue December 16, 2008, 7:12 am
You have described me. I wish I could not have those quick reactions - it often feels like a switch has been flipped. My mom and Chris also get the worst of it and I realize what Im doing and dislike the person that I've become in that moment. I've worked very hard recently at trying to recognize those moments and take a few minutes to 'get over' what Im feeling. It sometimes works? We can always talk more. I'm glad to know I am not alone. I should show Chris this post so he knows its not just me!Lisa - Tue December 16, 2008, 2:10 am
Amy, I could have written this post myself. We all struggle with being our best self especially to those that are the closest. Isn't the saying, familiarity breeds contempt?I call my impatient, bitter, moody self, my evil twin and she shows up too often. I want to be remembered as someone nice (like you), not that evil twin that appears when I've lost control of my moods.
Don't give up. Most of all, forgive yourself.
God Bless you and yours.
Lindsay - Mon December 15, 2008, 9:17 pm
You're not the only one. Everyone is like this actually...just to varying extremes. Our home (and close family) is our "safe zone." We know they love us and will continue to love us, even when were not so lovely. Therefore, we tend to let our guard down and lose our filter around them.Let's try to keep each other accountable on this one! :) We have similar hubbies, so we can remind each other to treat them for what they're worth!! :)
