Posted by Amy Mon July 21, 2008, 3:05 pm
What is going on???
Yesterday, I felt God stirring something in me. I'm not one to throw that kind of phrase around lightly because, quite honestly, I hardly ever feel Him (except in some of my darkest, most broken, times) and don't feel like I know Him all that well. This is something I have been struggling with for the past several months after Lydia came...and went. Sometimes it bothers me that there have only been a handful of times when I can truly say I felt His presence and His hand in things. And I don't like the fact that for me, thus far, that connection has only been in the midst of some major turmoil in my life. I want to have that connection daily, or at least monthly...haha.
Anyway, as I have mentioned in a previous post, I have found myself feeling down, numb and blah lately (and I recently weaned from Wellbutrin). So yesterday, after watching the videos I posted (several times), bawling my eyes out, worshiping to some of my all-time favorite Christian music and some reflection, I began feeling renewed in a sense. I felt like He was lighting a fire under me (ouch..my bum...it was hot :-) and waking me up. Getting me excited about some things including my health, making me more productive around my home and just feeling, overall, more "with it" about a lot of things. An "I can do this" attitude and like He was nudging me along. I was feeling good! I went for a power walk at 9:00 last night (I can't remember the last time I had done that) and blared my favorite worship music on my Ipod. Even with my sweaty thighs rubbing together, seriously, I was happy! The thought kept crossing my mind that I wish I had some sort of music/Ipod system where I could blare my praise songs for all of the neighborhood to hear. People would hear me coming and they'd get to experience Him like I was. I wanted to share the love....it was a little crazy :-)
I was energized and stayed up late. I woke up feeling refreshed (on not enough sleep). This continued into the morning....almost like I was "on top of the world" and with Him I could do anything. I even told my friend, Renay, a little about what was going on with me and it was THEN that things started to change. Alex and I were out and about with one of his friends...went to the movies and a couple of other errands. One little thing went wrong after another. Well, it started out little...pulling into the wrong driveway (when I had been to this friend's house SEVERAL times), but then it was just more and more experiences like this...some involving possible damage to my car (we were safe the whole time). I just couldn't believe how I had felt like I was on this high, I really did, only for it go into this downward spiral. I was scattered and, frankly, kept doing STUPID things. Made me think of church yesterday where the topic was, "If I only had a brain" (from the Wizard of Oz). I decided we were not going to be out any longer and get home for our safety! It all added up to really put me in a bad mood and quite down on myself because I went from thinking I had things "together" with Him to feeling like--what the heck is going on, Lord? Where are You? I thought we had a good thing going and now I'm scaring myself and feel like an idiot. Instead of going from 0 to 100, I went from 100 to 0 fast!! And it sucked! Sucks.
I'm very confused and kind of hurt, honestly. I was getting excited about making some positive changes and I thought I had that mentality because of Him and was all about giving Him the praise. And now I feel like the rug has been pulled out from under me. I just don't understand what all of this means....if anything or nothing at all.
Yesterday, I felt God stirring something in me. I'm not one to throw that kind of phrase around lightly because, quite honestly, I hardly ever feel Him (except in some of my darkest, most broken, times) and don't feel like I know Him all that well. This is something I have been struggling with for the past several months after Lydia came...and went. Sometimes it bothers me that there have only been a handful of times when I can truly say I felt His presence and His hand in things. And I don't like the fact that for me, thus far, that connection has only been in the midst of some major turmoil in my life. I want to have that connection daily, or at least monthly...haha.
Anyway, as I have mentioned in a previous post, I have found myself feeling down, numb and blah lately (and I recently weaned from Wellbutrin). So yesterday, after watching the videos I posted (several times), bawling my eyes out, worshiping to some of my all-time favorite Christian music and some reflection, I began feeling renewed in a sense. I felt like He was lighting a fire under me (ouch..my bum...it was hot :-) and waking me up. Getting me excited about some things including my health, making me more productive around my home and just feeling, overall, more "with it" about a lot of things. An "I can do this" attitude and like He was nudging me along. I was feeling good! I went for a power walk at 9:00 last night (I can't remember the last time I had done that) and blared my favorite worship music on my Ipod. Even with my sweaty thighs rubbing together, seriously, I was happy! The thought kept crossing my mind that I wish I had some sort of music/Ipod system where I could blare my praise songs for all of the neighborhood to hear. People would hear me coming and they'd get to experience Him like I was. I wanted to share the love....it was a little crazy :-)
I was energized and stayed up late. I woke up feeling refreshed (on not enough sleep). This continued into the morning....almost like I was "on top of the world" and with Him I could do anything. I even told my friend, Renay, a little about what was going on with me and it was THEN that things started to change. Alex and I were out and about with one of his friends...went to the movies and a couple of other errands. One little thing went wrong after another. Well, it started out little...pulling into the wrong driveway (when I had been to this friend's house SEVERAL times), but then it was just more and more experiences like this...some involving possible damage to my car (we were safe the whole time). I just couldn't believe how I had felt like I was on this high, I really did, only for it go into this downward spiral. I was scattered and, frankly, kept doing STUPID things. Made me think of church yesterday where the topic was, "If I only had a brain" (from the Wizard of Oz). I decided we were not going to be out any longer and get home for our safety! It all added up to really put me in a bad mood and quite down on myself because I went from thinking I had things "together" with Him to feeling like--what the heck is going on, Lord? Where are You? I thought we had a good thing going and now I'm scaring myself and feel like an idiot. Instead of going from 0 to 100, I went from 100 to 0 fast!! And it sucked! Sucks.
I'm very confused and kind of hurt, honestly. I was getting excited about making some positive changes and I thought I had that mentality because of Him and was all about giving Him the praise. And now I feel like the rug has been pulled out from under me. I just don't understand what all of this means....if anything or nothing at all.
Comments
Leanna - Wed July 23, 2008, 12:43 am
Oooo...don't you love it how God works?? I haven't checked your blog for a while, but wanted to tonight out of the blue. I have so been there, Amy, more often than I want to admit out loud. More than once in the last week, even.Interesting, too, your comments about wanting to feel His presence when it's not turmoil...just started a Bible study on that topic, so I may have a book recommendation for you soon.
I think of you and pray for you often...
Beth L. - Tue July 22, 2008, 11:05 pm
Hey! I miss you too! I have wished so many times that we could've been with you guys in the last few months during such a difficult time. We're not sure when we're coming back. September is the most likely time, due to a wedding, but it's unfortunately bad timing for seeing relatives and maximizing our time there. And we are feeling a little anxious to go somewhere closer, on a short trip that won't be filled with client meetings again, b/c we've only taken real "time off" once since we've been married. So yeah... right now I'm not sure if we'll make it or not. :(Gretchen - Tue July 22, 2008, 10:21 pm
Hey there!I don't get to check your blog as often as I'd like but I really appreciate your honesty when it comes to sharing your feelings. Many people feel as you are right now but just won't admit it. We all go through this and it's so hard. I've really struggled since having Audrey. Not sure if it's PPD or just the lack of time I've spent with God. One thing I learned long ago when I was really struggling, feeling down, and more/less attacked was to pray on the Spiritual Armor. Read Ephesians 6:10-18. I have this memorized and when I say it in my head, I literally picture myself putting on each piece of armor so that I feel protected and strong. I hope this helps you through this tough time. Know that you're not alone in how you're feeling! :0)
Amy F. - Tue July 22, 2008, 8:28 pm
Thank you to everyone who has commented about my setback and confusion. I am constantly learning and I now think I "get" what was happening yesterday morning. So, even though (for future reference) I should now know what's going on spiritually, sometimes it's hard to know that Truth and remember that in those emotional, "What the heck?" moments. I really appreciated hearing that so many of you can relate to this.Beth D.--so great to hear from you. You need to start a blog! I think about your family often.
Beth L.--I miss you....when are you coming back to Indiana for a visit??? This fall, possibly?
Candi--thank you so much for commenting. You are EXACTLY right about who was involved yesterday morning and how to get out of that funk. I need to check out your blog!
And to everyone else...I love you, too :-)
Beth L. - Tue July 22, 2008, 5:27 pm
Amy, I think this is natural and common. Often when things suddenly all seem right, a new test will come, small or large. The important thing is to stay grounded in your faith. You will not always be on an emotional high (and shouldn't expect to be), just as you will not always be at a low. God is a steady force underlying it all; not someone who appears suddenly and then goes away. Just try to maintain focus on the positive changes you're wanting to make, and you will get where you want to be. ;)Frances - Tue July 22, 2008, 11:43 am
Amy,I just want to say that I remember you every single day in my prayers. I know God is training you to be the beautiful Godly woman he has created you to be. You will be blessed for this time, I just know it. I had a pastor once that said "The higher the mountain, the lower the valley becomes. And likewise, the deeper the valley, the higher the mountain is when we are blessed." Hang in there and I will continue to pray for you and increased closeness to God.
Frances
Candi - Tue July 22, 2008, 10:22 am
I check your blog frequently and have only commented a couple of times but I could really relate to this post. I find that in times that I am finally feeling "with it" and closer to Him; that is when Satan works extra hard on me. I have the same type of experiences as you have described and usually when it happens I will say a quick prayer, or turn my inspirational music back on and try (as hard as it is) to keep a positive attitude.I believe that Satan cannot stand it when we find ourselves drawing closer to God and these are the times that he tries his hardest to pull us away.
Hang in there, I believe it will get better and you will find that peaceful feeling again!
Much love,
Candi
Beth - Tue July 22, 2008, 1:17 am
Amy, I always try to keep up with you and your beautiful family from afar in Ohio...I hope you hang in there. I know it can be tough to hear Him in the everyday. There's something that came to me at church a while back that I've been holding on to when I get to some tough spots in my life...Just remember that sometimes it's about the JOURNEY and not the DESTINATION. There is so much to be learned in the every day struggles that get us down the path to Him and to where we hope to be. Remebering to focus on the journey helps me to refocus when I start to get all over place. Good luck and God Bless!Jessica - Mon July 21, 2008, 11:28 pm
You were ready to make some positive changes...satin doesn't like that. That's just when he'll try to pull the rug out from underneath you. Throw you off before you can even get started. Hold tight to those thoughts you felt from God and believe them as truth. Even when the road look stormy, hold on to you faith in him. He will continue to help you through the storm.If I had been up to date with blogs I would of squeezed you tight today when I saw you for those few moments.
Mari - Mon July 21, 2008, 8:32 pm
Amy, I'm sorry you have been feeling so crummy lately. I can completely relate to you about not really feeling God's presence much. I hear other people talk about it and I wonder what's wrong with me that I don't get it! I hope things start to turn around for you soon.Lindsay - Mon July 21, 2008, 4:27 pm
There's an e-mail coming your way, and I love you! And I mean this in a non-hokey way... (((HUGS))) *sticking my tongue out at you*2010 Mike and Amy Focosi
