Realizations
Today was a first for me. 

My messy/dirty house was driving me insane and I wanted it cleaned before going to a women's retreat this weekend.  Today I spent 4 1/2 hours cleaning the house top to bottom with Alex alongside me.  The end result was not as thorough of a cleaning job as I would have liked and it certainly took me longer than usual with Alex "helping, " but I felt proud accomplishing this WITHOUT turning the tv on for him.  That is a really big deal.  There were times when he was playing on his own, but he was often right in the cleaning throes with me.

I say I have never done this before because I never clean my house, just kidding.  I do, but not as often as I would like.  Typically when I do a whole-house cleaning, Mike and I do it together while Alex is occupied and then gets done much quicker, Mike is playing or out with Alex while I tackle things, or Alex is away at grandparents.

I have to admit something.  Accomplishing any kind of project or semi-involved household task (or let's face it...anything!) is very difficult for me to do on a daily basis when it is just me home with Alex.  And I only have 1 kid!  I think that's the problem.  There are SO many days that I wish Alex had a sibling with whom to play.  SO many days.  And not just to keep him occupied while I get things done...to have that relationship and to have that live-in playmate.  Sure there are struggles that come along with having multiple children, such as the squabbles and managing them all, or what not.  But when I look at Alex trying to play a board game by himself or playing catch with himself, it breaks my heart.  It really does sadden me.

Now, please don't get me wrong.  I play with Alex a LOT.  But there are times throughout the day when I really try to encourage him to play independently for my sake (such as needing to take a simple shower) and his (he needs to be able to do this as he is an only child currently).  And please know that I am not in any way criticizing those who choose to only have one child (that is YOUR choice).  But, Mike and I intended to have at least one more child at this stage in our life.  We never pictured Alex at 3 1/2 or 4 as being the only one.  We dreamed of at least 2 children in our family--a sibling for Alex, another son or daughter.  The dream is definitely still alive and we WILL have another child someday who WILL grow up with Alex.  There will just be more of a gap between them than we had hoped.  Okay, I am crying now as I write this.  I don't know how this post about cleaning turned into this...but it has been on my heart for the past few months.

Anyway, one thing that I know for sure is that I really need to cherish this time I have with Alex, and only Alex, at home...before he goes to school full-time.  I cannot have this time back with my firstborn.   Even though I may find myself feeling some frustrations on a daily basis about what needs to be done, how dirty my house is, or feeling like we need a break from each other....I truly know that stuff doesn't matter.  We need to keep creating memories.  I want him to remember the quality time that we shared with each other.  How his mom took him to the park often, played cars, drew with chalk on the sidewalk, played games and even army guys.

I do have to say that my mood is MUCH better since getting the house cleaned, but I am so thankful we spent that time together!

**The original title of this post was "Accomplishing the Impossible" (as this was really just going to be a post about cleaning), but then changed as I saw fit to "Realizations."